What I understand from what I have been told by my mother-in-law and by Sharon is that he was getting aggressive ("violent") toward Sharon.
My husband doesn't know that he was, but he can't say for sure that he wasn't either.
Either way, that is where their brother is. He is a little more developmentally disabled than Sharon and he does have some other tendencies that, especially at this time of life, where he is now is the best place for him.
For quite some time, my mother-in-law stayed in touch with the brother. But one day she told us that the caseworker encouraged her to stop calling because he was getting out of control when my mother-in-law called him. So my mother-in-law stopped. She stopped calling and writing (they hadn't visited him in ages). And at some point in the last few years, my mother-in-law told us that she didn't even know where he was living anymore.
My husband and I had talked about the fact that we needed to get in contact with his brother's caseworker so that, at minimum, we had a way to connect to know if he was at least okay. And also so that they had someone to connect with in case something happened to the brother. Of course, that was as far as it went...talking about it.
When my mother-in-law passed, I had my husband ask about finding the brother's former address from my mother-in-law's address book. The main purpose, so that we start looking for him so we could let the brother know that mom had passed. When my husband asked, the sister-in-law that had the address book indicated that she had already called and had talked to the brother and told him.
What? You talked to him?
Two things: a) Why didn't they let my husband or his older brother talked to the younger brother since they are the blood relatives to him? b) Where did she get the telephone number? Did my mother-in-law have the number after all? The timeline from her passing to the call was next to nothing...she had to have found it in that address book!
So we got the telephone number and now my husband has contact with his sibling. Great!
He sounds fine and his caseworker said that he is doing really well and that he has been missing talking to family..."no one has even tried to connect with him for a couple of years" she said. My husband explained the situation and the caseworker was baffled (this was a different caseworker/home than the one the brother had been in before when my mother-in-law was encouraged to discontinue contact). She said that he has been fine. She also indicated that he has been happy after getting off of the telephone with my husband. That's great too, but does bother us a bit since we were told not to connect with him and he really has been fine, seemingly, all along.
Now the deal with Sharon. She is scared of the brother. She talks about one time that the brother almost pushed her down the stairs (almost, but didn't) and tried to hurt her and so Mom said that she should never talk to the brother or be by him.
As a sidenote: sometime very near to this time, the brother was immediately put in a group home with, probably, no warning he was moving out.
Okay, I am sure that happened. I don't know about you and, of course I wasn't there, but I know that I have been in plenty of childhood sibling rivalries and...while pushing down the stairs is not acceptable..sometimes as siblings we fight and do things we shouldn't do. Could this have been one of those cases? Could the brother have gone too far or did the "preventive action" go too far (removing him from the home)? We can only guess or surmise. We weren't there and we will never know for sure.
So when my husband has talked to the brother, he has asked Sharon if she would like to talk to him on the telephone and she says no.
I talked to her after that about why she won't talk to him. I talked to her about the nice home that he is in and the fact that the caseworker said that he is doing great. We talked about the fact that what happened was so long ago and isn't it time to give the brother a chance? We also talked about how she would feel if one day she was part of the family and then next she was in a group home. She said she didn't think she would like that. I asked her, "How do you think
The second time the brother called, I gave the phone to Sharon and made her talk to him. She did okay and seemed to be glad that she did.
When my husband called to talk to him again, she said no.
The brother called the other day and left a message on our machine. When I got home a few minutes after the call, Sharon was sniffling. I thought she was tearing up watching "Extreme Makeover Home Edition," but it turns out she was crying because she heard her brother's voice. So I talked to her again. Talked to her about this reaction. Talked to her about the fact that there is a chance that my husband is going to go out and visit the brother and wouldn't it be nice if she went along too.
I told her that the next time the brother calls, she is going to talk to him. I said, "and you know if it is me that answers the phone, I am just handing it to you."
She still talks about being scared of him. But we have talked about how he is always going to have a caseworker with him. About how nice it will be for her to learn about him as an adult and to see how well he is doing and learn about what is making him happy. To learn about him in this new setting and to start all over.
They are likely going to go out to Oregon to visit him in the next six weeks or so. Sharon is going to fly out there with my husband. They are going to just make it a quick weekend, but she is now excited about going.
It's amazing how many things from her childhood she holds onto and how debilitating they are to her in her adulthood. I wish for her that this trip will take away one more ghost from the past.
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