Your Role in Our Family

I think one of the hardest parts of Sharon's move-in has been helping her (reminding her) of her place in our family.

Sharon is used to being equal to the adults, but to make things work in our house...that wasn't an option (sorry if you don't agree, but your house, your rules...my house, mine). Sharon would be treated respectfully and fairly, but when it comes to rules...my husband and I rule that roost. And when it comes to disciplining our child, guess what?

So it probably came as some surprise to Sharon the first time she tried to tell our daughter not to do something and I corrected her by telling her "not your place." I have told my daughter the same thing (you know as she goes from being 5 to 15 in two seconds!). It isn't the constant battle it used to be, but it was surprising to see how much of a tattletale Sharon was and how much "say" she seemed to think she was entitled to when it came to our daughter.

I definitely asserted myself to establish those ground rules quickly and have gained the respect of the authoritarian nearly as quickly. Since my husband struggled with his new role, he hasn't fared as well and even just the other day I had to talk to Sharon about the fact that she needed to afford her brother respect as her guardian and she wasn't allowed to be flip to him (as she would not have been with me).

To go along with all of this has even been the simple act of riding in the car/minivan. Our daughter sometimes likes one of us to sit next to her, but I felt I needed to re-enforce the structure and try as best I could to keep a consistent message. So, it meant even reminding my husband that...when we ride as a family...mom and dad sit in the front and Sharon and my daughter sit in the back. That is the way it is and there isn't any wavering happening.

Again, some might feel I was/am being petty...but honestly, I was sort of on my own and coping each minute of the day with all else I had in my schedule besides this new life role. I needed to find structure and consistency and I needed to pass that structure and consistency message to those around me or we weren't going to survive.

The way it is, there were plenty of days in the last few months that my husband and I have had some knock-down, drag-out fights that tempted the end of our marriage. He has always been a runner and always expects people to give up on him. I truly think it is an extension of his early childhood situation of being released to the foster system. They had a loving family, but maybe not quite the support that they needed.

So this is a huge thing. We are making it through each day, each hour...certainly by the minute.